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The Best Response to Getting Friend Zoned

September 2, 2017 Leave a comment

As has been said before, it’s one thing to react, and it’s another thing to respond. The mature and ultimately more useful approach is to respond to things that happen in your life. After all, you make your life however way you want it based on how you respond to what it throws at you. The same applies if someone puts you in her Friend Zone. It’s obviously painful, but despite that there’s still a constructive way to respond to it.

First of all, don’t be stubborn: If she doesn’t want you, then move on. The love of your life is someone who wants you in the same way that you want her.

It’s said that the best revenge is a life well-lived, looking more handsome / beautiful than usual, going places you’ve never been to, doing things you’ve never done before, meeting new people, learning new things, gaining new experiences, and having the absolute best time of your life! That continues to be true, though rather than framing the thought from a perspective of “vengeance,” in retrospect, I’d like to think of this more along the lines of what you do for yourself for your own best interest.

Be handsome / beautiful; be intelligent; be strong in character; be independent; be confident – in a word: Be COMPLETE. Choose to be happy; make and find your happiness on your own, independent from any expectations to get such from another person. Be the best love of your life!

The best response to getting Friend Zoned is to enjoy your life, and doing so for your own sake. Make yourself too busy enjoying life to have time for people or things that will just depress you, for such isn’t worth your time or effort. Make yourself too busy being happy, content, and grateful for who and what God has given you in your life; be too busy appreciating the blessings He has bestowed on you.

You don’t need to show her how much you’re enjoying life without her. Frankly, there’s a good chance she won’t even care – and neither should you. Ultimately, it’s irrelevant if she ever sees how much better your life is without her in it. You’re not doing this to let her know what she’s missing because she didn’t choose you, and thus regret it; you’re doing this because you’re happy all on your own. And although you may be alone, because you own your own happiness, you’re most definitely not lonely.

For all you know, in the course of enjoying your life, she’ll get to know a little more about you. Obviously this doesn’t necessarily mean that she’ll change her mind about rejecting you. And knowing a little more about you might even have the effect of her solidifying her decision not to accept you; at least she’s now surer about her decision. But it might also happen that she actually changes her mind about you, and develops a sincere interest in having you in her life. Whether you choose to want her back or walk away from her is now up to you. It’s also possible that she realizes that you might be a better fit for someone she knows, and if she’s charitable enough about it, she would even arrange that you meet up with her friend. The point is that one thing can lead to another: A lot of possibilities can open up by simply living your life to the fullest.

A lot of the good things in life are easier said than done. This approach is no exception. Rejection will always be an offensive thing; you will need to forgive her for doing that to you. Thus, get it done and forgive her, then move on with enjoying your life.

We have to start appreciating all that we bring to our own lives. Because the ironic truth is, you are most attractive when you’re not worried about who you’re attracting. When you’re living your life confidently, freely and without restraint, you emit the kind of energy that it just isn’t possible to fake. The kind of energy that’s capable of transforming not just your own life, but the lives of people around you. – Read This If You’re Worried That You’ll Never Find ‘The One’

For all you know, the day might come when someone will actually want you. At this point, it’s irrelevant if that day ever comes. But if it does, then it’s because she’ll want you for who you are. She’ll be attracted because of the happiness, the sense of “completeness” that you exude in your life. And she will want to be a special part of your life, as she would want you to be a special part in hers. If you happen to want her in the same way, too, then this is the best “bonus” you can ever get from responding to all the rejections you have ever experienced. Should that day ever come, know that you have finally found the Right One for you.

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Categories: Personal

Attraction and Pain in Proportion

August 21, 2017 Leave a comment

The sense of attraction for someone, and the pain from rejection, comes in certain proportions.

Attraction is directly proportional to perceived availability. Someone is at her most attractive when she’s still single. To put it bluntly, a pretty face becomes gorgeous when she isn’t married or in a relationship yet. This gives the admirer a sense of hope because the chance to pursue and win her is still there. Such attraction diminishes when she’s in a relationship, because it’s harder to compete and win her over when her heart already belongs to someone. And in a way, attraction can (and probably should) cease to exist if she’s already married, because it means she’s committed to no longer entertain anyone else in her life.

Conversely, the pain experienced from rejection is indirectly proportional to perceived availability. The less available a person is, the less painful it is when she rejects you. Rejection feels bad when she’s already married because it means, by virtue of her commitment, you already have no chance; by default you’re already rejected. And such rejection is only proper because actually, if she really loves her husband, then she should reject you. Rejection feels worse when she’s in a relationship because, although she’s not yet finally committed to someone, she already loves someone else who is not you. For these two cases, it feels awful. However unfaithfulness, especially in a marriage, is unacceptable, thus, any rejection is understandable and even acceptable. But rejection feels the worst when, even if she’s still single and thus the opportunity to have her in your life is there, she still rejects you because she just isn’t interested in you.

Anyway, these are just a few things I’ve observed in my journey in life.

Categories: Personal

The Fleeting Crush

August 13, 2017 Leave a comment

A “fleeting crush” can be described, among many ways, thusly: “I know your name. You know I exist. As far as I’m concerned, that’s good enough for me. I’ll take what I can get; I’ll receive what can be given. I’m not expecting anything, thus to receive even what little notice you can spare is an underserved generous plenty. And even if the gift isn’t much – it’s actually nothing at all – I’ll still be immensely grateful for the blessing that is you. I’m content just admiring you from a distance, for I want nothing more than just that. Thank you for your presence in my life, if only for just this fleeting moment.”

Categories: Personal

Possibility of Escape From the Boss-Zone

August 6, 2017 Leave a comment

Being at a high place in the corporate ladder has its perils and then some, with such risks also evident when it comes to love. The loneliness of command is real, and some leaders feel it more than others. A position too high up the hierarchy can be a detriment in the pursuit of love. It puts you in an “awkward” if not “unreachable” place. To put it simply: You find yourself getting “Boss-Zoned.” In my musings today, I wondered if there was a way to escape this particular zone; perhaps there are a few ways, but none are easy.

A relationship should be a “meeting of equals.” At a minimum, you need to ensure that there’s no reporting relationship. Make no mistake: This is a foundational requirement. When there’s a reporting relationship, there’s some power play that can influence the balance of the dynamics between two people. Never mind for a moment that such won’t be a good thing for other people in the office to see; this imbalance can and will cloud decisions when it comes to assignments, performance management, salary administration, and the like. Things that happen outside the office shouldn’t unduly influence or impact things that happen inside the office, and vice-versa.

The other action that I think needs to happen would be to wait for the other person to catch-up to you in the ladder. That can mean waiting for her to eventually become your peer. That can mean staying at your level for a while longer until such time that she’s able to move up to your level, too. That can mean a combination of both. But this approach comes with its own risks: This involves a lot of waiting, and a lot of things can and will happen while waiting. There’s a good chance to lose her if (when) she chooses to be with someone else who is her peer. And sacrificing your own benefit for a relationship that literally isn’t promised or “secured” is foolish; you’re waiting for nothing. You owe it to yourself to pursue and enjoy what you rightly deserve, too.

It’s worth calling out the nuance in the latter action. It involves waiting for the other person to be your peer. If you’re able to influence or directly push for that to happen then the imbalance in the relationship is still there. In other words the situation is such that it’s not a “meeting of equals,” the foundational requirement doesn’t exist. It’s a misuse / abuse of one’s authority to unfairly give another person an advantage. Once more, never mind for a moment that it won’t look good; it’s important that she’s able to achieve things on her own, that she shouldn’t owe you anything. Undue influence with what can happen inside the office is something you don’t need in the relationship since such only breeds a particular form of anxiety that both of you don’t need.

Again, be warned: Waiting, especially waiting too long, is a dangerous thing to do. If you want something to happen, if you want to get who you want, then it’s crucial for you to act immediately. You need to be in a place where there isn’t anything you can do that will have any sway in what happens in the relationship as far as work is concerned, and vice-versa. And the sooner that you can make this happen (whatever the hell that might be if it’s not these two actions), the better.

For what it’s worth, the lady that catches your eye in the office isn’t the only option in your life. As they say, there are many other fish in the sea. Sometimes it’s just best to avoid the problem of getting “Boss-Zoned” altogether by just considering others outside your current employment. In such case, both of you are free to grow and prosper in your respective fields and endeavors. There’s no need to deal with the potential influence of power plays, office politics, competition, etc. in a relationship as a result of one’s position and what-not, because such simply won’t exist; it won’t be a thing to mitigate.

Love is a “many-splendored” thing, as it’s often said. But nobody ever said love would be an easy thing. Love is one of the messiest, if not the messiest, thing you can ever get yourself involved in. Perhaps it’s best to just avoid it for good? Now, that’s another option altogether, one not meant for everyone.

Before I forget, a personal relationship is meant to be private. Therefore, exercise discretion in whatever you choose to do. Now, how to be discrete is another story for another day.

Categories: Personal

Letting Go of Someone You Love

January 23, 2016 Leave a comment

Letting go of someone you love is one of the most painful experiences one can ever encounter.

You might actually be the man she deserves because, objectively speaking, you are good for her.  But just because that’s the case, obviously it doesn’t necessary mean that you’re the man she wants.  She could still NOT feel the same way towards you for whatever reason, or no reason at all, in which case you’ll remain stuck in her Friend Zone.

Let her go because you love her and you just want her to be happy.  Let her slip away from you and into the arms of someone she truly wants instead.  It takes great courage and strength to bear the unbearable, seeing her happy with someone who isn’t you, giving him the privilege to love her the way she deserves to be loved instead of such coming from you.  But if this is the right thing to do then, as painful as it is, it needs to be done.

Being just friends, if that’s even a possibility, will never feel enough.  The scar of rejection will always be there.  But for what it’s worth, at least the act of letting her go for the sake of her happiness is proof that your love for her is true.  Hopefully, someday, this thought will give you some sense of comfort, for such is paradoxically both “nothing” and “everything” at the same time.

Showing that you truly love her is the point you ultimately make, and in the end that’s what really matters, for it shows you’re capable of loving that great. 

Someday, you might meet someone who will feel the same way towards you.  If and when that day comes, it’s always good to know that you’re capable of loving someone as deeply as you do, for you have proven you can do so from this love that was never returned.

Categories: Personal

In A Relationship Leading To Marriage

March 21, 2011 1 comment

Being in a relationship is not an end of itself. If you really want to show you’re serious in loving another person, then you need to show it by making a lifetime commitment to that person in marriage. If you cannot make that commitment then you’re just wasting your time and the other person’s time.

If you really love someone, then commit to love that someone for as long you both shall live. Anything that is less than that is a lie.

Jesus, I trust in You!

Related: Love and Intimacy.

Love and Intimacy

March 21, 2011 Leave a comment

Physical intimacy really is a beautiful gift of God.

I feel it even goes beyond mere pleasure; the experience transcends the physical act into something that I can only describe as a spiritual communion between two people, for lack of a better way of describing it.

Such intimate communion between two souls can only be perfect and beautiful if it is done out of love – a love that is proven and committed before God and man. Anything less than that, like when it is done just for fun or without any real, true commitment, is just way too impersonal – and if you think about it some more, it would really feel imperfect! If you do something as beautiful as that, then you’d want it to be perfect!

You don’t do it purely just for fun and pleasure, and you don’t do it with just anyone and with just about everyone. You do it with the woman you really love, and you love her so much so that before everything else, you marry her before God and man and commit yourself to her welfare for the rest of your life. It is only because of God and the grace of a solid foundation of true and committed love that only He can provide can such physical intimacy ever become perfect.

To please God should always be our highest priority. After that, I think the second most important priority of one’s married life is to please one’s wife.

I just have to rant this out of my mind: It utterly escapes me why any man would be too tired or too preoccupied with anything else other than pleasing his wife when she wants and needs it from him. What the hell is wrong with these men??? I know that oftentimes the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, but – Damn it! – this is so NOT one of those times!

So what if you find out you married someone who turns out to be addicted to it? At least she’s addicted to you! So what if both of you pass out, out of dire exhaustion, from attempting to do it non-stop today as if the world will end tomorrow? At least you gave everything to each other, and held absolutely nothing back! And so what if what seems like a never-ending cycle of intimacy, results in 10 babies over the course of five years? They are yours and her children, and they were born out of love. My point: It’s just frustrating to see why any man would hold back from his wife, if he truly loves her.

I just hope that those who God has joined together actually cherish the life-giving (figuratively and literally) gift that He has given them the privilege of enjoying. As hard as it may seem to comprehend, I think that using this gift is actually a married couple’s way of giving Him glory, because in a way, this intimate act is a celebration of life and love.

And for those of us who are not yet married, I pray that we use His grace to be patient, to wait for the right person and the right time, to use this gift the way He wants us to use it, not how the world thinks we ought to be able to use it. We want the experience to be perfect – and God’s plan for how this gift should be used will make it perfect.

And for those of us who will never marry for whatever reason… Let me just say that this experience is not the ultimate peak of our human existence. Our lives are meant for God, and the ultimate goal we seek, consciously or not, is to be united with Him forever. God is greater than love and intimacy; He is our ultimate end and our sole satisfier.

Jesus, I trust in You!

Related: In A Relationship Leading to Marriage.